You Say Tomato, He Says Tomahto

Margo Howard
Thu, 26 Dec 2013 21:00:00 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: How can two people be in the same relationship and have such different perceptions of it? My husband loves our marriage, believes that we are on a wonderful journey together and doesn't want a divorce. I, on the other hand, think the marriage stinks.

Don't get me wrong, things are quite pleasant, but pleasant isn't good enough for me. I can get pleasant at the supermarket. I'm highly sexual; he is not. I long for an experience where my mate and I can dig deeper into ourselves, emotionally, and he wants to avoid the deeper emotional experiences at all costs.

My perception is that he wants the relationship to be at the same physical and emotional level as it was when we met 16 years ago. I abhor that type of stagnant view and embrace the concepts of change and growth. When I try to get him to open up, his blood pressure goes up.
Updated: Fri Dec 27, 2013

Dear Margo: How can two people be in the same relationship and have such different perceptions of it? My husband loves our marriage, believes that we are on a wonderful journey together and doesn't want a divorce. I, on the other hand, think the marriage stinks.

Don't get me wrong, things are quite pleasant, but pleasant isn't good enough for me. I can get pleasant at the supermarket. I'm highly sexual; he is not. I long for an experience where my mate and I can dig deeper into ourselves, emotionally, and he wants to avoid the deeper emotional experiences at all costs.

My perception is that he wants the relationship to be at the same physical and emotional level as it was when we met 16 years ago. I abhor that type of stagnant view and embrace the concepts of change and growth. When I try to get him to open up, his blood pressure goes up.

Is it possible for one spouse to simply reach his or her physical and emotional capacity for love? — Ready To Break Free

Dear Read: Alas, it is more common than you think to have two people in a relationship (especially a man and a woman) who view it entirely differently. It's the Venus and Mars thing, in broad terms.

Although many women would give an arm and a leg for a "pleasant" marriage, that apparently is not doing it for you. I am not so certain that what you think is the issue is actually the issue, but the fact remains that your marriage is unsatisfactory.

It sounds as though you are either sick of him or, as they say, have "outgrown him." The decision about how to proceed is yours. — Margo, contemplatively

OFFICE ANTAGONISMS

Dear Margo: I am 20 years old and work in politics. I have a great job that I absolutely love. The problem is one of my co-workers whom I sit two feet away from.

We got along great for the first two months, until a huge project came to the office. She did not want to do it, and so I did it myself. The project was a resounding success and saved our constituents a lot of trouble and money. This co-worker then became quite hostile.

She is 46 and has two kids my age. She makes twice what I do, works half as much and complains that she is overworked. This woman plays computer games on office time, shreds documents in order not to properly take care of an issue, and asks me to help her with her work. She called me a "floozy" in front of our officemates and gave me a lecture about getting tagged as "loose" because men find me attractive.

Please, please give me guidance. I have tried being nice, which just further enrages her. I have tried all-out war, but that's not my style. I want to make a difference for the state and just do my job.

I tried talking to my boss, and he said he's sure she doesn't mean any harm and that she thinks of me as one of her children. I haven't told him how she uses her time. I'd feel funny ratting someone out. I am fortunate to have this opportunity. I don't want to give it up because of this woman. — Love My Job, Can't Stand Her

Dear Love: This woman is envious, either professionally or personally, and you need to go back to your boss. This time, to add credence to what you told him before (you know, about being called a floozy and loose), inform him of how she is shirking her job (you know, playing computer games and shredding documents).

I would guess no elected official can afford to have an employee who destroys constituent requests rather than deal with them. Don't feel like a rat; feel like a conscientious employee. — Margo, responsibly